Six Feet Under
Geplaatst op 07-07-2026
Categorie: Lifestyle
Hello
I’ve been stuck in jury duty for the past three weeks, and it doesn’t look like we’ll be wrapping up anytime soon. There’s an absolute smoking hottie on the jury with me, but I don’t think the mood in the courtroom is right for asking her out — we’re deliberating over a brutal triple murder.
You argue that grim depictions of mortality inspire women to seek out companionship in your level 27 eBook, Now or Never: Winding a Woman’s Biological Clock with Jimmy Suede. How can I use the morbid nature of our trial to my advantage in picking up this woman?
Kevin from Dallas
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Kevin!
You’re a lucky man, my friend. The only backdrop more conducive to seduction than a grizzly murder trial is a trial with historical significance. I bet the jury quarters at Sacco and Vanzetti looked like the set of a porn movie.
The inevitability of death is a player’s best friend, Kevin. If you can remind a woman that she will one day die, she’ll begin to evaluate the relationships in her life. Sure, some women will look to their storybook marriages or successful careers and be swept with a sense of contentment, but they weren’t valid targets in the first place. You want the kind of woman that takes toll of her life and succumbs to deep-seeded, inescapable despair. In the seduction community, that’s known as a Jackpot.
When confronted with their own solitude, a single person’s first reaction is to cling to anything that makes them feel less lonely. The severity of the realization dictates how the person reacts — implementing a new workout routine, adopting a cat, or, in my case, abusing prescription drugs and petitioning NBC to air My Name is Earl seven nights a week. I don’t care if they repeat the same episode every night — I’m just desperate for a reason to laugh.
Mortality is the most profound symbol of loneliness, Kevin. When a single woman is reminded that she could potentially die alone, she will seek out something — anything — that can provide her with a sense of companionship. Now, I don’t know you, Kevin, but I’m willing to bet that you’re better than nothing. And in seduction, sometimes that’s all it takes.
Escalate the macabre atmosphere of the trial. Dye your hair black and wear dark eyeliner and nail polish. Doodle pictures of grim reapers in the margins of your notes, and speak exclusively through quotes from Mudvayne songs. Find a way to link the calamitous effects of global warming to the trial you’re deliberating over; announce to the courtroom that your verdict is irrelevant since we’re all doomed, anyway. Intermittently take your pulse throughout the day to ensure that you’re still alive.
Once you force this woman to question her romantic fate, she’ll be too blinded by her own ideological standards to realize that she finds you repulsive. Using subtle, sophisticated conversational techniques, you can extract this woman’s idea of a perfect mate while simultaneously painting yourself with those same characteristics. Here’s an example of how such an exchange might proceed:
Player: So, what would you look for in a potential significant other?
Target: I would want my husband to be caring, attentive blah blah blah blah blah and ambitious.
Player: Same here.
Target: I also appreciate the values of I wonder if that soda machine over there accepts five dollar bills? Nah, don’t do that — you’ll get a bunch of dollar coins back. Maybe the 7-11 at the corner would give me change. They’d probably want me to buy something, though. What a ripoff and an appreciation for my needs, you know?
Player: Yup.
Target: And I want my husband to really respect what the hell is that smell? Is it me? Oh, crap — I’m wearing the shirt I wore to dig up that septic tank last week. I hope nobody noticed. I wonder if that’s why that guy next to me on the bus was coughing so hard? Probably not; he looked like he was sick with something. What if he made me sick? Come to think of it, my stomach did feel a little weird today. It’s probably because of that chicken sandwich I ate for lunch. That’s the last time I buy discounted deli meat because of what happened with my father.
Player: Ditto.
Target: But I really think that two people can form a connection that man, My Name is Earl was awesome last night. How do they think of that stuff? I wish I was that funny. Mom was right about my screenplay being the most ridiculous trash she had ever read. I should revise some of the characters. I bet the story would work better if the intergalactic prostitute was a woman and be happy for the rest of their lives.
Player: Wanna grab lunch?
You’re in a prime position for a pick-up, Kevin. Ignore your latent feelings of guilt and disgust over exploiting death for the sake of hitting on women — they’ll go away after years of perpetual deception. In the meantime, silence your inner dialogue with alcohol.